Losing My Religion

This post was first published in an earlier blog of mine called We Are Gaia Rising

I lost my religion and my virginity in 1991 when I was 16. My parents were the sort of Christians who preferred camping and fishing to church. But I was very curious, so when I was 8 I began attending Emmanual Baptist Church in Blackwell, Oklahoma. I was a very devoted Christian with a deep sense of mission and purpose. When I turned 16 and chose to engage in an intimate relationship it sparked for me a spiritual crisis. Pre-marital sex was definitely a sin. It was the year that the band R.E.M. released the song Losing My Religion. The song moved me deeply. I performed an interpretive dance to the song at the state winterguard contest with a black flag and a black flowing dress.

In 1992 I was picked to join People to People Youth Science Exchange. We were to go to a major world environmental summit in Brazil. I diligently raised money so that I could go and experience the Amazon Rain Forest. Near the time to take the trip I was notified by the organization that it was too dangerous for a group of American teens to go to Brazil due to an increase of violent attacks against Americans in the region at that time. I was heartbroken, even though there was still promise of a rain forest experience as they replaced the plan with three weeks in Hawaii.

Upon arriving in Hawaii I was 17 years old and engaged to the young man with whom I'd been having that intimate relationship of which I spoke. I was beautiful and bright and very extroverted. There were three adult chaperones and approximately 20 young people from the US and Puerto Rico. Within a matter of a few days I found myself very attracted to a young man, but perhaps more importantly, very attracted to all the possibilities represented by a group of intelligent young people. Pretty soon I was deeply conflicted about the path I'd chosen. If I married the boy in my small home town I was certain that my path through life would be somehow limited and diminished in comparison to the sense of expansive possibilities that these other kids were representing.

It was the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide. I would rather have died than to break his dear heart. Luckily I was clever enough to know that the bottle of ibuprofen in my suitcase would not be an effective out. The meds in my roommate's bag were equally useless. One day we were at a beautiful scenic overlook site. I think we were looking down on Oahu's North Shore, but I'm not certain. As I stood on the edge of the precipice I considered jumping. I felt deep energetic ebbs and swirls and felt as if part of myself did in fact jump. I remember watching this imaginary self plummeting over the edge and slamming against rocks and ledges over several minutes. I could envision the black shadow which would be cast upon the day and the memory. I looked around and saw the families and the other kids from my group and I watched as their amazing Hawaiian experience turned into a horror.

And I couldn't do it. It would have been so damned selfish of me to kill myself like that. So I rushed back onto the bus and sat in the back and cried.

It was a most amazing three weeks. Each day was filled with activities designed to help us sink our teeth into science as well as the Hawaiian culture. It was the first time in my life that I noticed that there were religions other than Christianity. Somehow it had just never occurred to me that not everyone was Christian. But more importantly, I met the Goddess Pele. Both the scientific explorations of Hawaii and the cultural activities were centered around nature as the sacred feminine.

This made sense to me in such a deep way. It fit with what my parents had taught me before I chose to attend church. They had always said that we didn't need to go to church because God was everywhere and that when we were camping out every weekend we were celebrating God's creation.

When I was 16 I lost my religion. When I was 17 I found the Goddess. I devoted my life to the Earth Mother. But sixteen years after loosing Jesus I found him again. He was misplaced and buried under my anger at the history of Western Civilization. I have forgiven Him and the acts done in His name. Seventeen years after loosing my religion I have realized that Gaia is both the Mother of and Bride of Christ. That is why witchcraft and Christianity are no longer mutually exclusive to me.

The great divorce between Matriarchy and Patriarchy is being healed. In my heart Gaia and Jesus are developing quite the romance. And their romance is, to me, the most fundamental co-creative divine force in existence (at least in our corner of the universe).

All Hail the Newly Re-Wedded. All Hail the Bride in her green and blue gowns with white gauzy veil. All Hail the Groom whose light envelopes and impregnates the Bride. Their union is responsible for everything which exists on Earth. This is the Second Coming.

Elemental Living

At Terrapin Hollow we embrace concepts of Permaculture. We strive to live in balance with the Earth. One way to consider the degree of balance and connection with Earth is to notice and honor the four elements: earth, wind, fire, and water. All life requires some form of all four, in fact, you could argue that there is nothing but these four elements and that all of creation is some mixture of the four.

Water
We harvest our rain water. We can store up to 1750 gallons at a time. The water is collected from the roof of our house and then funneled into an underground cistern. Then we pump the water through the house. There's nothing like the smell of rain in your shower!

Wind
During the summer of 2009 we installed a wind generator. My dad built the generator in his garage in Florida and then he and my husband spent the summer clearning trees, building the tower and guide wires, and installing the new electrical system. We chose to remain grid tied because the grid is a billion dollar infastructure through which many people can share clean energy. If you're going with renewable resources I encourage you to stay grid tied so we can diversify the nodes of production.
FireWe heat our home with a wood stove. Cutting back small diameter trees for fire wood also benefits the forest and wildlife. In fact, the forests in most of the US are not all that healthy due to years of total fire suppression. We understand that fire has a natural role in the ecosystem and that is why Terrapin Hollow is enrolled in the Wildlife Habitat Improvement Project sponsored by the Natural Resource and Soil Conservation agency of the US Department of Agriculture. We received funding to doze a fire break around our land. Over the next 10 years our 40 acres will receive three prescribed burns. We also planted fruiting shrubs for deer and bunch grasses to create bobwhite quail habitat.

Earth
My husband is crazy about using rocks and dirt to make stuff. All our garden beds are raised beds made of stacked rocks. He's built half of our next home. Its an Earthship home, meaning that it is made of old tires which are rammed with earth. The interior walls will be made of aluminum cans and concrete. By using local resources we are saving loads of money and petroleum. We compost all our table scraps, news papers, ash, cardboard, and even some of the junk mail. It all turns into rich dirt to feed our organic garden.

Inner Ecology

This post is an adaptation of a previously published post in one of my earlier blogs, We Are Gaia Rising

Gaia Theory has been embraced by a number of people, especially those passionate about sustainability, the environment, and earth based spirituality. I first encountered the idea in college in the early 1990s. I began as a chemistry major with a minor in environmental studies, but in the environmental studies courses I quickly learned about the global problems which we had created by using pesticides like DDT. I switched my major within days of reading Silent Spring by Rachel Carson.

Over the years I've explored Gaia and my relationship to her in many ways. I worked in National Parks, National Forests, and National Wildlife Refuges as a service to the Goddess. I picked up millions of cigarette butts, talked to countless tourists, and spent as much time in Nature as possible.

Gaia is a super-organism, all the living and non-living aspects of the planet Earth together comprise Gaia. There are many many scales upon which to examine the interconnectedness of all life. Around 2007 I realized I was very unhealthy, physically. I was having a string of problems which all seemed to stem from my gut. Through a 2-3 year process I worked to find some sort of healing. I read many books, visited many doctors, and reconfigured my diet several different times. What finally allowed me to transform the situation was recognizing that my intestines are an ecosystem.

An entire world of microscopic organisms inhabit the intestines of every human. Over time I came to appreciate that the tiny little critters in there were not good nor bad, but grossly out of balance. Every ecosystem has a dynamic variation, homeostasis doesn't mean that everything stays exactly the same, but rather that the variations stay within a certain range known as dynamic equilibrium.

The dynamic equilibrium in my guts was way out of whack due to a number of life style choices. It seemed impossible to know for sure what I could eat or drink to improve the situation. So I learned to engage in dialogue with my body by using kinesiology. For a period of about a year I trusted the wisdom of my body and didn't put anything into it without first asking. In learning to create a dialogue with my body I discovered a new perspective on the beings living within my body. There are millions of millions of organisms who call your body home. How often do you think about them? Do you notice when your being a good neighbor/host?

Along the way, with the help of a really good Chiropractor (Dr. Ned in Ft. Myers, FL) I found a number of probiotic products that I could take to help re-establish the balance. Then August of 2008, I discovered my best friend, Kombucha. I was walking through a natural food store in Boulder Creek, California and I was looking through the cold beverages for something, other than water, with little to no suger. I saw a bottle of Synergy brand Kombucha and recalled that a friend of mine a few years ago had sworn by it as a probiotic. I touched it and quietly asked my body if I could drink it. I swear to you that I heard what sounded like a chorus of a thousand voices gleefully cheering "YES!".

I bought a bottle and drank it under a Giant Sequoia tree. Before I'd even finished the bottle I was feeling GREAT! I found myself craving it after that and bought it a couple of times in August and September of 2008, but only while traveling for business because they didn't carry it in my local stores. In my heart I wished for a way to drink it daily. Then on the Autumn Equinox my beautiful neighbor, an acupuncturist, was chatting with my husband at a Mabon party we were having and she mentioned that she'd gotten a kombucha culture. My husband hollered at me and said, isn't that the stuff you're so crazy about? Eureka!

Starting then I began brewing my own at home. Kombucha is microcolony of about 2 billion organisms that now live inside my intestine. They like living in me and I LOVE having them. With their help I have a very healthy digestive system, lots of energy, and a healthy immune system. My allergies have almost completely disappeared, and I can now eat things in moderation which were absolute no-nos before. All hail Kombucha! :-)

And how might this tie back into Gaia? Just as I am an ecosystem full of billions of different micro-organisms; I am also only a tiny organism among zillions who comprise planet Earth, who is my Goddess, Gaia.

Interfaith Wicca

This post was originally published in one of my earlier blogs, We Are Gaia Rising

Wicca is an earth based spirituality. To me it's more of a spiritual practice than a religion. Wicca, also known as witch craft, falls into the category of Pagan or Neo-Pagan. The word Pagan has two primary definitions: 1. country dweller or farmer, and 2: one who worships many deities. Wiccan practitioners usually refer to themselves as witches. Wiccans and Pagans in general are very loosely organized and individuals usually practice in solitary or in a coven. Each witch has his or her own unique paradigm and rituals, however there are common threads found among all witches and Pagans.
Interfaith is simply the honoring and acceptance of all religious and spiritual traditions. Perhaps the best known Interfaith organization is the Unitarian Universalist Church. There are a number of Eclectic Witches/Wiccans in the Pagan community. Eclectic refers to the practice of blending mythologies, for example, honoring deities from ancient Greece, Egypt, India, and Northern Europe. Interfaith Wicca differs from Eclectic Wicca in one major way - Interfaith Wicca embraces Christianity as well as all other religions, mythologies, spiritualties, etc.

Why would I single out honoring Christianity as a primary difference between Interfaith Wicca and Eclectic Wicca? To many new Wiccans and Pagans, Christianity is taboo and even the brunt of negativity and hatred. Many of the Wiccans and Pagans in Northern America and Northern Europe who chose Wicca/Paganism as adults were raised as Christians. As individuals, in our quest to find ourselves and to heal and recover from our original wounds, we often rebel against the systems and doctrine which represent the status quo. In many cases finding wholeness and health also requires differentiation from long held family beliefs. During this differentiation and rebellion many individuals develop a strong negative charge against that which they are rebelling from.

For many new seekers it is a natural phase in self discovery to feel hostile toward your original religious system and doctrine. Indoctrination and socialization permeate our lives. Our families and churches possess a type of gravity which pulls us into making choices which are appropriate based on that culture. When an individual chooses to differentiate from the systems in which he/she has been raised it becomes apparent how deeply pervasive that socialization was. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to break from tradition and strike out into the world to create a new identity. That energy is often experienced as a dynamic tension between the individual and the tradition, church, and or family. It is quite easy to see why, for a period of time, it would be natural to experience negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and even hatred against the old system of beliefs, against the old culture.

I believe this is why it is common that peaceful, loving Wiccans and Pagans are sometimes heard telling Christian bashing jokes. I think it is in our cultural blind spot as Pagans to accept and join in to this activity. But if we are not still in the differentiation phase of creating our own spiritual path then I think it's detrimental to our spiritual growth to be hateful toward any person, religion, dogma, etc.

God is Love. Goddess is Love. The Great Spirit is Love. The Universe is Love. Allah is Love. Buddha is Love. Interfaith Wicca, then, is the celebration and integration of any and all spiritual and religious traditions. Interfaith Wiccans honor ALL beings regardless of their beliefs, practices, creeds, genders, sexual preference, culture, etc. Interfaith Wiccans practice LOVE above all else.

Worst Episode Ever

I have been dealing with Hemiplegic Migraines(HM) for two years. I have an average of 3-5 episodes per day. Because I spent so many years as a HeartMath(r) trainer teaching people to transform stress, I am well skilled at choosing to be neutral or even positive about what is happening in my body and brain. During the first year there were a great many medical tests and we did not really know what we were up against.  My husband and I used humor to diffuse the tension in the house. I used my HeartMath practice to remain calm in the face of all the medical uncertainty. It is my opinion that my episodes would have been much worse had I not kept my cortisol levels in check and my heart rate down.

However, by remaining positive and as accepting as possible, I have most likely left space for several unintended consequences, including but not limited to:

• Being misunderstood by others in my life -- "What's the big deal? You don't seem to mind that this is happening to you."
• Short cutting my own grief -- "It is okay, I am okay. I will be okay."  But sometimes I really am not okay.
• Potentially not getting the care and support I need from others -- "She seems so capable. She will let me know when she needs help, if ever."

This post is dedicated to the fact that I am not always okay. In fact, sometimes I am quite miserable.  HM has taken away my career. HM has taken away my independence, my ability to just hop in a car and go, my ability to take off on an adventure.  HM has taken my confidence. HM regularly turns parts of my body off and then back on again. HM takes my children's mommy away several times a week. While I am fairly used to the daily episodes, looking at the worst episode ever makes it hard to deny that this is a huge problem with a life threatening potential.

February 28, 2015 - We were met with a surprise snow storm. The reports called for a few light flurries but we got around 10 inches. My episode began with me feeling extremely anxious and confused. I was unable to comprehend some family obligations which were expected of me the following day. My husband was on the phone trying to make arrangements to keep the tasks as simple as possible for me before he left for an entire weekend for work. I was sitting in the chair trying to follow his half of the phone conversation when both my elbows began tingling. Within moments, both of my arms were paralyzed. (HM is characterized by one-sided paralysis and mine is almost always on the left, however it is possible for it to switch sides or present on both sides at once.)  Shortly after he got off the phone both of my legs became paralyzed. Luckily I was still able to speak clearly. I shared what was going on with Steven and he came over and did some testing.  He touched my fingers one at a time. I was able to feel his touch but I was wrong about which fingers were which. I was also able to feel him touch my toes but again I was unable to properly identify which toes were being touched. 

We discussed it and agreed that I should go to bed. I was unable to move either leg or arm on my own. I was still able to move my spine and neck, but at a reduced range.  In past experiences when my feet will not respond to my brain I have found that Steven can give me a gentle pull or push and once moving they will work properly.  Assuming this could work again he got me to my feet and with his strong arm around my back and under my arms we set off shuffling toward the bed.  As we sat at the edge of the bed he asked me to try very hard to move my left foot.  We both saw twitching in my left knee, but no movement of the limb. The same thing on the right side. He tucked me into bed. After a bit my head was tired of being lolled to one side but I was unable to move it on my own. Steven adjusted my head. 

The entire thing lasted around 40 minutes and it broke as suddenly as it had begun. I was able to stand up and walk to the dinner table for dinner, though I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  After dinner I slept very hard for 3-4 hours. I woke up feeling very hungry and thirsty. Knowing these episodes can take a lot out of me, I decided to get up and take care of myself.  The rest of the house was asleep. After eating, drinking, and poking around on FaceBook I went back to bed.  At that time I noticed that as I became closer to sleep my breathing would stop and I would jolt awake.  I tried several times and as I drifted away from consciously taking deep breaths my body would jolt awake due to lack of oxygen.  I sat up the rest of the night. I found that I had to force myself to take deep slow breaths and that any time I was too distracted to control my breathing it would diminish to a point that caused the sudden alarming feeling of not having enough oxygen.

I knew it was a serious episode and that my lungs were heavy and sluggish, just like my arms and legs are so often. This is called hemiparesis when one side is weak and less responsive but not fully paralyzed.  Thanks to my HeartMath practice, I also knew that getting upset and anxious would make the episode much worse. So I sat by the fire in the dark of the house and took deep breaths. I calmly took inventory of the coming weekend and made a safety plan.  My husband would be waking up at 4:30 and heading out to work. My son and I would be home alone. My daughter was sleeping at a girlfriend's house and would be snowed in there until it melted.  We had enough fire wood stacked on the porch, out of the snow. We had electricity and water. We had plenty of food.

Had it not been for the snow storm I would have gone to the emergency room. Not because I was afraid for my life or in a great deal of pain... but because it would have been very useful to have been hooked up to a variety of monitors and tests and gotten some real time data for my doctors and records.  You see, this was the fourth time I had episodes in which I had to labor to breathe. It had happened once at night, once while meditating, and once in the broad daylight.  In March of 2014 I had a sleep study in which they confirmed a mild level of obstructive sleep apnea and called my upper lungs "a bit lazy." But that was on an ordinary night when my brain's signals were getting to the lungs and the lungs were no partially paralyzed.

Steven woke up for work and found me sitting by the fire. I calmly explained to him that I was okay because I had chosen to control my breathing. Naturally he was worried but I was past the worst of it. He braved the roads and made it to work. That weekend I fed the chickens, dogs, cats, bunny, and my son and I. I kept the fire burning. I brought in many armfuls of wood. Having duties kept me going calmly, and I survived.

Castles

As civility was conquering magic, my great ancestress witches lost their places as the wise medicine women of their villages. Lords amassed small kingdoms supported by the blood of their knights and the sweat of their surfs. Maidens were raped by the noblemen. Princesses were locked in towers. Dragons were slain.  The fair folk were driven into hiding deep underground.  The hillsides became the domain of men whose divinity was male and warlike.

It was at this time that the divine feminine presence indigenous to Northern Europe was finally raped and dissected. Her flesh bound by roads and stone monuments to the men with power and wealth. Her wisdom, hidden in the plants and stones, was never again uttered on the lips of the people. Her beauty dominated and subjugated.  Her spirit burned at stakes and chased from the hearts of all those who remained.

Over the generations She stirred in the hearts of the maidens, mothers, and crones. Children again told tales of fairies and wee folk who live in the forest. Mothers tended the gardens and had special ways of knowing things. Crones listened to the plants and remembered the old medicines. They followed the will of God and lived close to Mother Nature. 

One age led way to another and the powerful and wealthy men moved their empires to the cities.  Families huddled, coughing in hovels until the factory whistle blew. The wild was forgotten ever more. The powerful ones shuffled the masses through one technical advance after another until one day the descendants voted to give the workers a holiday. Seeking a reprieve from the grime of the city, they wandered slowly into the woods.

And what was there, to greet their weary eyes?  Nature Herself had slowly, gently grown up again our of the ruin of man's pride. Her succulent vines gripped the rain savaged walls. Her powerful roots pushed through the foundation. Her majestic branches towered over the cathedral walls. Her torrents of stormy tears rotting the roofs.

No matter how many times SHE is raped, forgotten, forsaken... SHE rises again. In believing that She can be conquered, man is only destroying himself.

Art Therapy

Mama Africa by Tree Newby

In March of 2013 my whole life changed. I went from feeling happy and healthy (albeit tired and a bit overwhelmed in my profession) to having stroke like symptoms every day.  My condition is called Hemiplegic Migraine. At times my left arm is curled up and half paralyzed. Sometimes my left leg doesn't work properly and I have to drag it along with me. I tire easily, my brain is foggy, I get confused and forgetful. Sometimes I cannot hear properly or speak properly. On a few occasions I have been completely paralyzed in one or more limbs. Just a few months ago I was completely paralyzed in both legs and both arms for about a half an hour. Later that evening I noticed that my brain wasn't telling my lungs to breathe so I sat up and labored to breathe.

It has been quite a wild journey. I have spent time in denial, grief, bargaining, anger, acceptance, hope, confusion, agitation, anxiety, humor, and love... to name a few.  It has now been two years and it has become quite clear I can no longer perform at my career.  During the process of letting go of the old brain and the old skills, I made a solid effort to demonstrate to my self that I could still be useful and productive. 

My sweet husband Steven has been my biggest supporter. During that first Christmas (2013) he bought me a few canvasses and a set of acrylic paint.  I had dabbled with painting back in the mid 1990s while recovering from a major bipolar episode. It was fun but I never really fancied myself as an effective painter. Our good friend Dev is an amazing painter. He often brings his sons up around the holidays and they stay a night or two.  

While Steven was illustrating a cover for his book, and Dev was working on an amazing abstract oil painting, I quietly pulled out my canvass and acrylic. I used my iPod to look up African art work. I've always been very attracted to the form and shape of African women, and I'm crazy about bright colors and intricate textures. I found a few things which inspired me and I carefully drew outlines of the shapes I wanted to paint. I had a hard time with the form of the feet so Dev erased and re-drew the feet you see above.

We laughed and had a glass or two of wine. I painted and I didn't think about my medical condition or our fears that our family would experience financial collapse as I could no longer perform in my fast paced career. I simply painted. And it was fun. And my left arm disappeared from this reality but I'm right handed so I kept painting.  And my left cheek sagged, and my left leg dragged... but I just kept painting. And laughing.

The next morning I put on the finishing touches and posted the piece to FaceBook. I was pretty astounded by the positive feedback. Within a matter of hours a girlfriend of mine was privately messaging me about how she wanted to buy the painting.  It was such a huge gift for me.  It wasn't an extravagant amount of money, but it was the first time that I had real time positive feedback about painting.  I was supercharged and comforted at the same time.

Because no matter what happened to my body, or how many times per day I lost the use of various limbs or parts of my brain, or whether i could speak or write, I could still find ways to express myself. I could be creative. I could be productive. I could still feel useful.  And that has made all the difference in the world.

Seven Dimensions and Quantum Alignment

I believe that we earth humans have a potential to be healthy and functional on at least seven dimensions. In no particular order, the dimensions are physical, emotional, mental, social, economic, environmental, and spiritual. In my opinion, most of us are pretty good at finding a balance in 2-4 dimensions. For instance, a person may be physically fit, have a rewarding social life, and economically prosperous.  That person may be void of any spiritual life and may have mental and emotional challenges.

These seven dimensions are my lens for my life and thoughts. My strong sense is that those of us who strive toward some form of self actualization or enlightenment are really seeking health on all seven dimensions.  More than just being healthy and strong in seven dimensions, I feel that there must be an alignment of the core goals and values of each dimension. 

When I take in what is happening in the United States today, I feel that individuals and groups are struggling to find both balance and alignment. The example that's been on my mind and in the news in recent weeks is about an alignment between spiritual and economic values. Specifically, there are actual and proposed laws which suggest that denying to serve homosexual customers is a religious freedom. I understand the concept of "right livelihood," meaning that we hope our money is earned in a way that aligns with our core values. So I appreciate it when a company tries to live their values. 

The place where it gets tangled up is that we are not all alone in a world full of perfectly aligned and shared values. If my religion said that all red-heads were damned to hell and my company refused to serve red-heads, I may feel like my economic, spiritual, and social dimensions were aligned. Until I got feedback from the public via social media and my revenue stream. If the public were angry because some red heads were feeling abused physically, mentally, socially, and/or emotionally by my company's lack of service; then my revenue stream would decrease. My spiritual dimension could become healthier while my economic dimension shriveled up and my social dimension was unstable due to negative press. 

Would this motivate me to find a new way to align my values? At what point do I realize that my values need to align without impeding another party's values? In which dimensions do I change in order to find my own alignment? Is it possible for people with differing values to live in harmony, each with their own form of alignment?

In my heart of hearts I believe that all people are growing and learning. We all possess the capacity to create love and to create hate. Our creations become feedback to help us see whether we are going in the right direction or whether we might need to change.  When our dimensions are aligned, that which benefits our pocket books will also benefit our environment, our emotions, and our bodies, to name just a few of the dimensions.  

In which dimensions are you the strongest?  In which dimensions are you struggling?